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Things XCOM Operatives Are No Longer Allowed To Do: Part 2

Discussion in 'Fiction Discussion' started by Private Lee O'Malley, Jun 3, 2015.

  1. Private Lee O'Malley

    Private Lee O'Malley Head Puns = -10 to Next Roll Councillor

    So I'm pretty sure y'all remember the old list (Click here to read if you haven't) so with the advent of a new XCOM game, it was only obvious to make a new one.

    Without further ado, let's get to it! To kick things off, here's a couple of them the people at Reddit came up with.

    1a. To the entirety of Strike-1: no, you may not build a giant Terrarium to keep the captured viper as a pet. Whilst they are the enemy, the vipers remain a sentient species, and keeping them imprisoned in a cage and treating them like a pet is probably a war crime.
    1b: Just because your poll said it would be popular doesn't make it any more okay.
    1c: Even if the snake lady agrees to it.
    1d: Even if she promises to dance for entertainment.
    1e: The Commander has issued a new rule that the Terrarium may be built, so long as it is built in his office.

    2a: While it was funny the first time, wearing Viper heads over your helmet and shouting 'COOOOOOBRA!' Is now prohibited.
    2b: No, just because the Commander did it too, it does not make him the 'Cobra Commander'.
    2c: No. Just because we are not COBRA does not automatically make us G.I. JOE. We're all adults here people, show some professionalism.
    2d: While humorous, Cobra Commander is not a effective call sign for any reptilian enemy.

    3. Stop terrorizing fellow soldiers with the Gremlin stun gun.

    4. No, we will not consider adding Sectoid DNA to our own.

    5. Yes, the Avenger is technically a looted ship. No, that does not make us 'Freeboota Orks', nor does it make the engineers 'Mekboyz'.

    7a. While stealth in now an integral component of some operations, Operatives are not allowed to leave behind necessary XCOM gear in an attempt to gain more stealth.
    7b. Kunai, shurikens, and katanas are not necessary XCOM gear.
    7c. Neither are black robes and masks.

    8a. Whomever is responsible for hacking Corproral [REDACTED]'s Gremlin so that it started playing Mission Impossible music during the last infiltration mission: Please report to the Commander's office immediately for disciplinary measure.
    8b. Or don't. The Commander says it's been a while since he's practiced his own stealth techniques, and he could use the practice.

    9. While we understand that humor can help to maintain morale in difficult situations, responding to a comrade being hit enemy fire or missing what seemed to be an easy shot by yelling "That's XCOM, baby!" is only detrimental to the morale of your fellow Operatives and should be avoided.

    10a. All XCOM personel who is not in the science team is hereby prohibited to talk about alien physiology.
    10b. We are very aware of the "feminine" shape of certain alien species. Act like civilized adults.

    11. Sectoids appropriating human DNA is a tragedy to our own species, not a way to "eat more Doritos."

    12. [CLASSIFIED] is not space genitalia.

    13. Do not attempt to hypnotize Vipers using flutes, as impressive as it was for Major [REDACTED], it shouldn't be attempted again.

    14a. Stop telling the rookies that "Since the Sectoids are part human now, if you act like them they'll ignore you".
    14b. Seriously, stop, our ambush was discovered on the last operation due to an operative chanting "Ayy lmao" when he saw a Sectoid.

    15.The Gremlin is an advanced piece of technology, not a remote controlled frisbee.

    16. Soldiers asking why the same commander who lost the last war is being reinstated will be disciplined.

    17. Dumping Viper Corpses out of one of the Avenger's airlocks while expressing that you have "had it with these motherfucking snakes" will result in immediate disciplinary action and can be grounds for termination. Those bodies are valuable research materials, people.

    18a. The appropriate reaction if a Viper is trying to constrain you is to request the help of your fellow operatives, not saying "I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going..."
    18b. Nor is "Porn Now!"

    19a. Stop cooking food over the Avenger's engines.
    19b. or alien cadavers over the Avenger's engines.
    19c. or the Skyrangers engines in either instance...

    20a. Use of Elerium for recreational use is forbidden, the aliens may have the planet but that doesn't mean it grows on trees.
    20b. Let Sergeant [REDACTED] be a lesson not to snort the stuff as well, we don't even know how it happens from post-mortem.

    21. Yes, we now allow bladed weapons. No, that doesn't excuse you from trying to use it on everything you can see; this is why ADVENT soldiers have armor.

    22. Throwing the weapon of a downed ADVENT soldier to try and kill another one worked ONCE, do not attempt to repeat this.

    24. To the people who've been sneaking into the Viper Autopsies or offering to help remove armor, please stop. The staff finds your presence there very uncomfortable.

    25a. Please stop referring to rookies as landing pads.
    25b. Please stop using rookies as landing pads.
    25c. Even if you claim they like it.
    25d. Especially if they like it.

    26. When fighting Vipers, please refrain from calling them 'snek' and being distracted by their new armor.

    27a. No, we will not give you the gene mod that the newly dubbed 'Pectoid' has in order to make you stronger.
    27b. Nor will we give you a new set of pearly whites, that's what the toothpaste is for people.

    28. The reason why we lost the invasion is not because the "Great Commandy One wanted an actual challenge.", we were completely overrun.

    29. Yes the swords are cool, but refrain from charging in the open with the sword skidding on the ground.

    30. When retrieving unconscious squad-mates for evacuation, make sure they're your actual squad-mates. We don't want a repeat of the time CPL [Redacted] brought a passed-out hobo he found in a park onto the Skyranger. Just because someone is dressed like one of our soldiers, doesn't mean they are one of our soldiers.

    31. Screaming "Wolverines" at the top of your lungs at the end of a mission goes contrary to the current stealth/concealment doctrine.

    32. Even though the Avenger is a space ship and some of you were in the marines prior to joining XCOM, it is not acceptable for soldiers to refer to themselves as "SPESS MAHREENS".

    33a. No, wearing a cardboard box is not an effective stealth technique.
    33b. Yes, I know it worked for Vasquez the first time. But the second attempt was much less successful.

    34a. Alien prisoners are not sex slaves, the attempt will be it's own punishment.
    34b. The same goes for our female operatives.

    35a. While the current state of X-COM has resulted in more relaxed dress regs, putting spikes on your armor remains both impractical and forbidden.
    35b. Even if the spikes did prevent that one Viper from constricting Corporal [REDACTED]. They still have guns, people, and so do you.
    35c. Research is now being considered for anti-Viper armor. No, it won't include spikes.

    36. The Gremlin is an autonomous, state-of-the-art combat drone with unprecedented aerial combat mobility and a built in Arc Thrower. It is useful for both reconnaissance and safe, live captures of hostiles. It is not a vehicle for "fly-bys", a hoverboard, or a means to remotely tase your ex.

    37. Yelling "Bombs Away!" in the latrines is not permitted. Yes, we are on an aircraft. No, the plumbing system does not simply eject waste material mid-flight.

    38. Sargeant [REDACTED] is to head to the Commander's office immediately about the matter of his "rookie initiation ritual" of teabagging fallen ADVENT soldiers. Let's just say that if he wants to advance to Lieutenant, he'll have to do it to a Sectopod.

    39a. Should a captive Viper offer to show you her "native dance", the correct response is to contact the appropriate staff immediately, not "Where's my camera?!".
    39b. Even if it's in HD.

    40a. While it is true that the aliens are incorporating human DNA within their bodies, the reverse is not. Remember why we are fighting people.
    40b. Even if it helps you "blend in".
    40c. Even if the aliens won't know the difference.
    40d. We all know why you want to, Sergeant [REDACTED], even if you won't say it out loud.

    41. Shouting "Hey baby I'll show you my python." to a viper in an attempt to distract them does not work. Dropping your pants after may confuse them, but majorly hampers your mobility once the viper calls for reinforcement.

    42a. Please stop using the viper anti-venom as a recreational drug. The people who are actually poisoned would like some to be left.
    42b. That includes making rookies take shots as an initiation ritual.
    42c. The Commander does not take a shot of viper venom in the morning to wake up.

    43. Just because it fits on the Skyranger does not mean it is loot.

    44. We did not have to leave the previous base because, quote, "The Commander blew up the bathroom so bad they couldn't get the smell out of the paint"

    45. Our swords are not "folded over 1000 times", nor are they "superior human steel". We would, however, like the aliens to go home.

    46. Just because you can drop it out of an airlock, doesn't mean you should.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
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  2. Evillevi

    Evillevi A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015

    47a. Yes our guns are capable of shooting an alien in the mouth at point blank range with minimal loss of accuracy.
    47b. Suck my d**k,c**k, and etc are not however acceptable insults if you are forced into Point blank range to try it.
    47c. We are trying to be stealthy here people. Shouting anything will compromise that
    • Like Like x 1
  3. I know it's supposed to be funny... and I also want a Terrarium.
    But I don't see X-Com caring about silly Human Rights and War Crimes against aliens.

    Anyway... /me goes look what's up with X-Com 2 and the Sneks
    • Insightful Insightful x 2
  4. LGear

    LGear Great Commandy One

    When asked, we are not the:
    • Rebel Alliance
    • Vox Populi
    • Wolverines
    • Maquis
    • ISIS (no, just no)
    • Al Qaeda
    • Muhajideen
    • Order of the Black Knights
    • Anonymous
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
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  5. 48. Chanting DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA when using fully automatic weaponry is prohibited.
    48B. So is painting the skyranger red.
    48C. Charging into melee screaming WAAAAGH, while a excellent diversionary tactic, is almost certainly likely to get you killed.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
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  6. LGear

    LGear Great Commandy One

    - All Guy Fawkes masks will be confiscated.
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  7. Richardson

    Richardson Not here Now.

    49) Despite having a helicarrier, the commander has NOT revealed that his name is "Fury, Nicholas Motherfucking". Any attempts to refer to him as such will result in the offender being kicked from the Avenger at altitude.
    • Like Like x 16
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  8. Private Lee O'Malley

    Private Lee O'Malley Head Puns = -10 to Next Roll Councillor

    50a. While you do have permission to loot anything not bolted down to ground, please take only objects of use, e.g not the parking stops Pvt. [REDACTED] so thoughtfully took.
    50b. This does not mean you can raid stores/restaurants.

    51. While you are allowed to wear hoodies, this does not mean we have changed our name from 'XCOM' to 'Boyz n da Hood'.

    52. Contrary to popular belief, the Viper does not communicate through hisses. Please stop making hissing noises as you pass by this species in their containment chamber.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
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    • Adeptus Astartes
    • Imperial Guard
    • Puella Magi Holy Quintet
    • SHIELD
    • HYDRA
    • The GDI
    • The Brotherhood of Nod
    • The TSAB
    • The Jesus Christ Church of Latter-Day Saints (AKA: The Mormons)
    • Jehovah's Witnesses
    • Scientologists
    • The Men in Black
    • NERV/Section-3
    • Hawaii Five-0
    • The Brotherhood of Steel
    • SG-1
    • DOOP
    (To be cont'd)
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2015
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  9. D.D. Spectator

    D.D. Spectator Pure, Unadulterated Christmas Cheer

    53. Dancing with Vipers is prohibited.
    54a. While funny, saying,"Hey girl." to a viper before shooting them is prohibited.
    54b. Whistling to them is also prohibited.
    55. Just because they are human sized now, getting into a wrestling match with the sectoids will get you killed and is stupid.
    • Funny Funny x 9
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  10. Private Lee O'Malley

    Private Lee O'Malley Head Puns = -10 to Next Roll Councillor

    56. While XCOM may be a strictly covert force, this does not mean failure to accomplish missions can be explained away with "They just hadn't noticed yet."

    57a. Pretending to be cultists to blend with the locals is a good idea, preaching Commanderism is not.
    57b. Even if you used to be a minister.

    58a. The Gremlin is a vital tool in the Specialist's toolset, the Amazon Prime Air Drone should not be confused for this.
    58b. The excuse "I thought it was the Gremlin" is acceptable the first, suspicious the second, and disciplinary measures follow the third.
    58c. Just because the Commander appreciates the new chair he's received from Amazon does not mean you are allowed to continue stealing the drones.
    58d. Please stop sending chairs to the Commander's office, it is not "The Ideal Sacrifice for the Commander."
    58e. This does not mean you are allowed to burn chairs as an offering.
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2015
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  11. Doctor Mod

    Doctor Mod PRT Squaddie

    PRT Department ENE
    59. While dedication is appreciated. Your battle cry should not be PURGE THE XENOS or BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD.
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  12. 59a: Or "FOR THE EMPEROR!"
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  13. Evillevi

    Evillevi A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015

    59b. FOR EARTH , DIE DIE DIE, DAKAMANCING TO THE MAX and etc should be kept somewhat less... enthusiastic since we stealth, cover, and not attracting every alien in a mile radius is a thing.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. Private Lee O'Malley

    Private Lee O'Malley Head Puns = -10 to Next Roll Councillor

    60. Yes, our base is now an aircraft, we know. While an impressive act of engineering, please stop getting distracted.

    61. Calling XCOM space pirates is prohibited. We are trying to create a positive image for ourselves.

    62. Major [Redacted], please stop attempting to start a mutiny. While initially amusing, newer members are unsure what to believe.

    63. The soldier who made the Avenger's radio run Dangerzone on repeat, please report to Central for disciplinary action.

    64. All XCOM personnel should avoid talking to reporters, journalists, or any other social media. If you have to respond, we are not:
    • The Rebel Alliance
    • Wolverines
    • Raynor's Raiders
    • Vox Populi
    • The Order of the Black Knights
    • ISIS (no, just no)
    • EXALT
    • Alienbusters
    • The Illuminati
    • Xenonauts
    • Jedi Knights
    • The Dark Brotherhood
    • UN Peacekeeping Forces
    • French Foreign Legion
    • Ex-Communists
    • The Knights Templar
    • The Knights Who Say 'Ni!'
    • Mormons
    65. This should really not have to be said, but any cults, religions or sects revolving around the Commander are prohibited.

    66a. Yes, the base is now an aircraft. No, that does not make it "The Commander's Heavenly Chariot".
    66b. The fact that the X-COM initiative was officially terminated by the Council of Nations was a tragedy for all of humankind, and does not make the Commander a "Fallen God".
    66c. Nor does it make the Council "heretics".
    66d. The Commander is simply the Commander, he is not "Punished Commander."

    67. "Everything is air-droppable at least once" is not a valid excuse, either, Sgt. [REDACTED]. Please report to the Commander's office for disciplinary action immediately.

    68a. Please do not refer to rookies as or derivatives of the following: meat shields, blood bags, mobile cover, red-shirts, the distraction or dead men walking. It is lowering their morale and compromising mission integrity.
    68b. "Tactical Ablative Armour" is still unacceptable, as is "Taa-taa's".

    69a: The fact that the Aliens have erected statues in their own honor in cities under their control does not mean we should deviate from mission objectives to vandalize them.
    69b. After the increase in morale and X-COM support observed after LT. [REDACTED] drew a [REDACTED] on the aliens in the statues, we will now begin sending out special anti-propaganda operations. Dr. Tygan is already working on a paint that he claims "will be so difficult to erase they'll have to remove layers from the statue to get it off".
    69c. Do not attempt to paint yourself with any prototypes of said paint. It is highly acidic at this stage, and we are low on burn cream. Learn your lesson from Sgt. [REDACTED].
    69d. In a clarification of the above rule, do not paint anyone else with protoypes of said paint either. It was only funny for the first few seconds before Rk. [REDACTED] woke up.
    69e. Furthermore, as we know one of you is going to do it when the paint is ready, do NOT use it outside of authorized missions, especially not on the Avenger.

    70. The fact that we now allow soldiers more freedom in customizing their armor does not mean that anything goes. The list of things you are not allowed to modify or wear includes(but is not limited to):
    • Wearing undergarments over the top of your combat uniform. We would like to remind you that, although you may think so, you are not Superman.
    • Making it look like ADVENT armor. This is acceptable during certain infiltration operations, but is dangerously confusing otherwise. We already have enough problems without you inviting friendly fire upon yourselves.
    • Painting targets on a Rookie's armor. This shouldn't even need to be explained.
    • Fedoras. Trilbies are also included in this category.
    • Capes, cloaks or mantles.
    • Jandals, sandals or Crocs. Especially Crocs.
    71a. Just because the Skyranger can now evac you wherever you need it to does not mean it is a "personal taxi". Do not call the Skyranger for evacuation just because you "need a lift" after you "went for some post-mission pizza".
    71b. This includes going to the supermarket, laundromat, or any other location other than one involved in the mission parameters.
    71c. It is also not acceptable to use the Skyranger to crush aliens. Just because it can land where it needs to doesn't mean you only need to point the "landing pad laser of death" at an enemy to kill them.
    71d. Even if it worked that one time.

    72a. This is a propoganda war. It will not make the locals happy if you start carving their statues and otherwise defacing their monuments and shrines in the name of "The Great Commandy One".
    72b. No, the Commander doesn't appreciate it either.
    72c. After that incident with the cathedral, Sgt. [REDACTED] has been officially given a position on the XCOM board of Public Relations.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
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  15. Doctor Mod

    Doctor Mod PRT Squaddie

    PRT Department ENE
    73. While armor customization is encouraged for individuality and morale purposes. X-COM would like to discourage attempts to make your armor appear like characters from popular fiction e.g Master Chief, Cloud Strife, Kirito. The sad tale of Col. [EXPUNGED] should hit the lesson home. Skyranger Bravo will be in maintenance until further notice.
    • Funny Funny x 6
  16. RedDwarfIV


    74. The SHIV is classified as an 'Unmanned Ground Vehicle' or 'Unmanned Combat Drone'. It is not to be referred to as a 'remote controlled toy'.
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  17. Doctor Mod

    Doctor Mod PRT Squaddie

    PRT Department ENE
    Addendum: The SHIV is for combat. Not for Fishing, Hunting, or carrying snacks. You know who you are...
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Richardson

    Richardson Not here Now.

    74c. The SHIC/UGV/UCD is not for tying a leash to in order to walk the service dogs. For one, it irritates the dogs and makes them more likely to do something... stupid. For two, the commander saw you and is standing right behind you. Nice talking with you.
    • Like Like x 5
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  19. SV5195R

    SV5195R The dourest of Ozai's Angels

    75. Engaging the so-called 'Pectoids' in a boxing, wrestling or arm-wrestling match is strictly prohibited.
    75a. Captive Pectoids are not exempt from this rule. While the psionic containment system designed by Dr. Vahlen is extremely effective in stopping any attempt at mind control or any other use of psionic abilities (as many Pectoid cadavers with burnt-out brains can attest), they can still attempt to bite, headbutt or manhandle you.
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2015
    • Funny Funny x 11
  20. 76. Distracting ADVENT Troopers by challenging them to a spontaneous dance-off worked ONCE. And ONLY because they thought it was an ADVENT publicity stunt. They've since become wise to it.
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2015
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  21. NavySeel

    NavySeel "I don't know what I'm doing."

    77. Repeatedly shouting "Snake!" after killing a viper is a terrible idea.
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  22. Kokurokoki

    Kokurokoki Meow

    78. Smash and grab missions in Japan. It has no strategic value to XCOM and should be declined at every opportunity. The Kommander just wants his doujinshi back.

    79. You cannot use the Skyranger's thrusters to dry your BDUs.

    80. Do not waste Meld trying to restructure your rations at a molecular level. Contrary to popular belief among operatives, it does NOT make the food taste better. There is salt and pepper in the third cupboard to the left of the fridge. No, the other fridge.

    81. Using the monomolecular swords to cut steaks. Yes, it cuts through nearly everything. The Kommander is running out of resources trying to procure new cutting boards and plates.

    82. Playing Rules of Nature when using blades on missions.
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  23. Kokurokoki

    Kokurokoki Meow

    83. We are capturing the snake lady alien for INTERROGATION. The Kommander thought that he might have to make that objective clear to everyone since there has been a series of misunderstandings over the past few operations.

    84. No we cannot airdrop horses.

    85. The Hologlobe 2.0 is a very necessary strategic asset for XCOM. Please do not use it for Etherealflix. It doesn't matter if the Ethereals also have anime.

    86b. The use of MELD to repair gunpla is strictly prohibited. Meld is an extremely valuable resource to XCOM. Please see Dr. Shen for replacement runners. The pilots will be notified about their turbulent driving of the Avenger.

    86b. Please do not use monomolecular blades to cut pieces from the runners. We already have enough casualties as it is from operations. Personnel with lacerated and dismembered fingers will be asked to wait 24 hours before making an appointment to the infirmary.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2015
    • Like Like x 3
  24. Kokurokoki

    Kokurokoki Meow

    87. Contrary to popular belief, the Kommander does not know what a MEC is. All operatives who have experienced hallucinations or dreams about a gigantic suit of robotic armor are to submit a report to the engineering bay. Gigantic mech suits are frankly impractical and currently impossible to create with XCOM's current resources and technology. They will not win us the war no matter how cool or awesome they may seem to be.

    87a. No it is not a Gundam.
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